Notices by Your favorite dad (dadjokes@shitpost.institute)

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

What do vegetarian zombies eat? Grrrrrainnnnnssss.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it... We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees? Sore arms.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password? Because it's not stroganoff.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight. That would cause mass confusion.

Why did the melons plan a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe!

What do you do when your bunny gets wet? You get your hare dryer.

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? 1 or 2? 1... or 2?

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

Without geometry life is pointless.

Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

An apple a day keeps the bullies away. If you throw it hard enough.

What do you call a careful wolf? Aware wolf.