Notices tagged with news

Deutsche Welle (English) (dw@newsbots.eu)'s status on Thursday, 17-Oct-2019 04:54:04 CEST Deutsche Welle (English)
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**Former Nazi concentration camp guard on trial in Hamburg**
"One of the last trials against an ex-concentration camp guard begins Thursday in Hamburg. The 93-year-old faces 5,230 counts of accessory to murder. Prosecutors say he was a "cog" in Nazi Germany's "murderous machinery.""
https://www.dw.com/en/former-nazi-concentration-camp-guard-on-trial-in-hamburg/a-50859882?maca=en-rss-en-all-1573-rdf
#news #bot
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  Former Nazi concentration camp guard on trial in Hamburg | DW | 17.10.2019
  
  from DW.COM
  
  One of the last trials against an ex-concentration camp guard begins Thursday in Hamburg. The 93-year-old faces 5,230 counts of accessory to murder. Prosecutors say he was a "cog" in Nazi Germany's "murderous machinery."
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 14-Oct-2019 19:30:02 CEST The Onion
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Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177 #indigenouspeople #vol55issue42 #holidays #news
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  Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately
  
  from The Onion
  
  WASHINGTON—Affirming the importance of traditions like Columbus Day to other Americans, the nation’s 573 federally recognized Indian nations released a joint statement Monday confirming they don’t need a special holiday and would be perfectly fine with just having large swaths of land returned to them immediately. “Look, we get why Christopher Columbus is very important to some people, and we’re more than willing to compromise so long as the U.S. government returns 1.5 billion acres of land to us as soon as they can,” said Chief Harold Longtoe Ouimette, 63, an Abenaki elder who confirmed that although marching in a parade honoring native peoples might be interesting, the group of indigenous tribes would vastly prefer if U.S. residents could just vacate Manhattan, the Black Hills, and thousands of other sites taken from Native peoples through broken treaties, coercion, and violence. “Obviously, honoring someone who caused a mass genocide is still troubling, but we’re seriously open to letting that slide if we get back, say, the continent that you stole from us. That or $35 trillion. Your choice, honestly.” At press time, the U.S. government had responded to the Native peoples’ request with an offer of $5 in lump silver per person and a box of the finest cloth ever purveyed in Europe.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 14-Oct-2019 19:15:02 CEST The Onion
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‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets https://local.theonion.com/i-built-this-whispers-social-media-manager-beholding-1839032610 #vol55issue42 #socialmedia #twitter #news
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  ‘I Built This,’ Whispers Social Media Manager Beholding His Empire Of Successful Fuddruckers Tweets
  
  from Local
  
  HOUSTON—Marveling at the glorious majesty of what he had created, social media manager Ryan McCann reportedly whispered “I built this” Monday while beholding his vast empire of successful Fuddruckers tweets. “All should gaze in awe and wonder at the brand-affirming Twitter content I hath wrought,” said McCann, scrolling through the fast-casual hamburger chain’s Twitter feed with quiet certitude that historians will one day study the abundant genius on display in the meme he crafted of American Gothic but with a burger sitting atop the pitchfork. “Even after this mortal form I inhabit turns to dust, these tweets will live on, an eternal monument to my legacy and the gourmet yet affordable burgers that Fuddruckers offers. I serve as merely a vessel of divine inspiration, and Twitter be my canvas. All hail Fuddruckers, all hail me!” At press time, McCann’s boss asked him to delete several tweets that failed to accurately convey the “Fuddruckers ethos.”
Reuters World News (reutersworldnews@newsbots.eu)'s status on Saturday, 12-Oct-2019 13:03:03 CEST Reuters World News
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**Catalan separatist leaders to get up to 15 years in jail: judicial source**
"Spain's Supreme Court plans to sentence Catalan separatist leaders to a maximum of 15 years in prison over a 2017 bid for independence, a judicial source said on Saturday. "
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-spain-politics-catalonia/catalan-separatist-leaders-to-get-up-to-15-years-in-jail-judicial-source-idUSKBN1WR08A?feedType=RSS&feedName=worldNews
#news #bot
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  Catalan separatist leaders to get up to 15 years in jail: judicial source
  
  from U.S.
  
  Spain's Supreme Court plans to sentence Catalan separatist leaders to a max...
n𝗘𝗩𝗜𝗟le park (nev@social.coop)'s status on Friday, 11-Oct-2019 22:03:21 CEST n𝗘𝗩𝗜𝗟le park
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> "It was very hard to get a good picture [of Holly] out of the water," she says, "because she was a submarine for the entire month. She did not stop fishing, except to dig a belly hole big enough for her to sleep in."
NPR: Stuffed With Sockeye Salmon, 'Holly' Wins 'Fat Bear Week' Heavyweight Title https://www.npr.org/2019/10/09/768475870/stuffed-with-sockeye-salmon-holly-wins-fat-bear-week-heavyweight-title
#BREAKING #news #FatBearWeek 🐘

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Reuters World News (reutersworldnews@newsbots.eu)'s status on Thursday, 10-Oct-2019 07:27:03 CEST Reuters World News
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**Apple pulls police-tracking app used in Hong Kong protests after consulting authorities**
"Apple Inc on Wednesday removed an app that protesters in Hong Kong have used to track police movements from its app store, saying it violated rules because it was used to a…"
https://www.reuters.com/article/us-hongkong-protests-apple/apple-pulls-police-tracking-app-used-in-hong-kong-protests-after-consulting-authorities-idUSKBN1WP09U?feedType=RSS&feedName=worldNews
#news #bot
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  Apple pulls police-tracking app used in Hong Kong protests after consulting authorities
  
  from U.S.
  
  Apple Inc on Wednesday removed an app that protesters in Hong Kong have used to ...
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 09-Oct-2019 21:00:04 CEST The Onion
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Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-over-55-million-deaths-could-be-prevented-a-1838916083 #vol55issue41 #science #death #news
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  Study Finds Over 55 Million Deaths Could Be Prevented Annually By Some Sort Of Immortality Serum
  
  from The Onion
  
  MADISON, WI—Concluding that such a breakthrough would greatly improve the prognoses of patients with terminal conditions, a new study released Wednesday by the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine found that more than 55 million deaths could be prevented each year with an immortality serum of some kind. “We would likely see a dramatic drop in death rates worldwide if an elixir that confers everlasting life could be successfully developed and then administered to every person on the planet,” said epidemiologist and study co-author Matthew Potter, who suggested the public health benefits of such a serum could hardly be overstated, considering it could prevent deaths caused by heart disease, cancer, tuberculosis, car accidents, wars, and many other things. “Given the positive outcomes it could deliver, this is clearly an area of medicine that merits further research. Once we have the serum, then it’s just a matter of adding it to the water supply, releasing it into the atmosphere via drones, or maybe coming up with some other universal-delivery system we haven’t even conceived of yet. It’s really that simple.” The study concedes an immortality serum would also come with its share of adverse effects, including rampant overpopulation, critical resource depletion, and crippling existential crises for anyone who takes it.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 09-Oct-2019 17:45:09 CEST The Onion
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Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’ https://sports.theonion.com/skip-bayless-slams-history-of-chinese-post-opium-war-in-1838910442 #vol55issue41 #skipbayless #china #news
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  Skip Bayless Slams History Of Chinese Post-Opium War Intervention Anxiety In 6-Hour ‘Undisputed’
  
  from Sports
  
  LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that the Five Principles of Peaceful Coexistence were completely useless in a globalized economy, Fox Sports host Skip Bayless spent six hours on Undisputed Wednesday slamming China’s history of intervention anxiety in the post-Opium Wars era. “This is some 19th-century, rookie nationalism right here. China needs to grow up and deal with blowback from the international community if they want to play with the big boys,” said Bayless as he entered his third hour of citing historical facts to support his argument that you could draw a straight line from the punitive measures of the 1858 Treaty of Tientsin to the rise of communism, citing the Cultural Revolution and even the one-child policy as examples of how the nation’s isolationist tendencies impacted modern policy. “I know the forced opening of Chinese ports tore apart the economy for decades and led to the degradation of Qing sovereignty, but they have to get over themselves and realize that in today’s international market you can’t be afraid that any small amount of influence will corrupt the entire system. This all starts with management; if the Communist Party doesn’t set the tone and show some leadership, they are never going to stay contenders.” At press time, co-host Shannon Sharpe made a quick point about how the explicit aggression of the Sino-Indian War undermined the overall theory of territorial unity, leading a furious Bayless to throw down his mic and storm off the set.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 09-Oct-2019 17:30:03 CEST The Onion
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Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins https://sports.theonion.com/job-hunting-jay-gruden-frantically-scrubs-social-media-1838909877 #washingtonredskins #vol55issue41 #nflfootball #jaygruden #football #news
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  Job-Hunting Jay Gruden Frantically Scrubs Social Media Of Anything Associated With Redskins
  
  from Sports
  
  ANNAPOLIS, MD—Worried that the humiliating posts would destroy his future employment opportunities, a frantic, job-hunting Jay Gruden scrubbed his social media this week of anything associated with the Redskins. “If anyone sees these photos of me in a Redskins hat, my career is over,” said the former head coach, scrolling through posts and untagging any shots of himself with Redskins owner Dan Synder. “It’s going to suck having a five-year gap in my resume, but I’m pretty sure I can keep it vague and just say I coached with a professional sports team. Maybe I should lean on my time as GM for the Florida Tuskers? What’s rough is that the first thing that pops up on Google after searching my name is ‘Redskins,’ so eventually, I am going to have to figure out some way to explain that.” At press time, Gruden was trying to explain to a prospective employer who inquired about the Redskins that 2014 was just a different time.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 09-Oct-2019 17:15:03 CEST The Onion
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Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road https://local.theonion.com/dog-takes-pilgrimage-to-holy-site-where-it-once-found-r-1838909375 #vol55issue41 #animals #pets #food #news
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  Dog Takes Pilgrimage To Holy Site Where It Once Found Rotisserie Chicken On Side Of Road
  
  from Local
  
  COLUMBUS, OH—Compelled by a power greater than himself to leave his beloved home and tread the path of all-surpassing glory, Sawyer, a 4-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, set off Wednesday on a pilgrimage to that selfsame consecrated site where he once found a whole rotisserie chicken resting by the side of the road. Upon his 45-minute journey, Sawyer faced and overcame great adversity, including a barrage of insistent tugging on the leash held by his faithless owner; various unspeakable yet seductive odors; and the many temptations offered by other neighborhood dogs, yet he remained steadfast in the pursuit of meaty possibilities. Fueled by his simple yet powerful faith and drawn ever onward by visions of the glorious bounty that might very well await him, from humble parcels of abandoned bacon to split-open canned hams to the dream of an entire 3-foot length of abandoned Genoa salami, Sawyer marched on, the light of his faith undimmed. Upon his arrival at the divine location, in line with canine eschatology, Sawyer bowed his head, bent his keen nose to his task, and began to circle and criss-cross the area in hopes of a sign. At press time, it was confirmed that Sawyer’s owners had unsuccessfully attempted to prevent him from consuming the remains of a week-old roast beef sandwich and have rushed him to an emergency animal clinic.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 09-Oct-2019 15:15:02 CEST The Onion
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Trump Retweets Photo Of Supportive ‘Good Job, Donald’ Message He Carved Into Own Forehead https://politics.theonion.com/trump-retweets-photo-of-supportive-good-job-donald-m-1838895287 #vol55issue41 #donaldtrump #internet #twitter #news
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  Trump Retweets Photo Of Supportive ‘Good Job, Donald’ Message He Carved Into Own Forehead
  
  from Politics
  
  All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 23:15:03 CEST The Onion
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Juan Soto Sheepishly Asks Group Of Nationals Fans Entering Liquor Store If They Can Buy Beer For Him After Win https://sports.theonion.com/juan-soto-sheepishly-asks-group-of-nationals-fans-enter-1838887733 #washingtonnationals #vol55issue41 #mlbbaseball #juansoto #baseball #news
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  Juan Soto Sheepishly Asks Group Of Nationals Fans Entering Liquor Store If They Can Buy Beer For Him After Win
  
  from Sports
  
  All the latest sports coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 23:00:06 CEST The Onion
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Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps https://sports.theonion.com/chinese-officials-respond-to-nba-controversy-by-moving-1838886896 #nbabasketball #vol55issue41 #nhlhockey #china #news
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  Chinese Officials Respond To NBA Controversy By Moving Millions Of Citizens To NHL Re-Fanification Camps
  
  from Sports
  
  BEIJING—On the heels of recent pro-Hong Kong comments by Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey, Chinese officials responded to the criticism Tuesday by moving millions of Chinese citizens to NHL re-fanification camps. “To show that China will not tolerate this flagrant disrespect for our nation amongst the ranks of the NBA, we intend to enlighten our citizens in the ways of the National Hockey League,” said Vice Premier Han Zheng, overseeing the first of many re-fanification ceremonies in a detention center outside of Beijing where citizens were encouraged at gunpoint to throw NBA merchandise into bonfires and subsequently issued compulsory Sidney Crosby jerseys, posters of the Toronto Maple Leafs, and Blu-ray copies of The Cutting Edge. “With this action, we will undo the harmful legacy of basketball on our nation’s psyche, using unyielding exposure to the ways in which hockey aligns with the values of China, a dynasty not unlike that of the Boston Bruins. By the time our citizens board their trains back home, they will not remember that such a thing as the NBA ever existed. All they will know is the joy of a slapshot, the grace of a goalie, and the unlimited potential of the St. Louis Blues in the postseason.” At press time, sources confirmed that officials were forcing unpaid re-fanification camp labor to construct hockey arenas nationwide.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 22:15:04 CEST The Onion
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GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn https://politics.theonion.com/gop-lawmakers-watch-silently-as-trump-strangles-each-of-1838885386 #vol55issue41 #donaldtrump #news #gop
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  GOP Lawmakers Watch Silently As Trump Strangles Each Of Their Loved Ones In Turn
  
  from Politics
  
  WASHINGTON—Opting to take more of a wait-and-see approach instead of rushing to pass judgment, Republican lawmakers reportedly looked on in silence Tuesday as President Trump worked his way through each of their families and, one by one, strangled all their loved ones to death. “After I watched the president slowly and methodically squeeze the life out of my wife’s body as she gasped, futilely, for breath, he gave me his personal assurance that he was not responsible for her death, so I continue to stand by this administration,” said Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-TN), who along with every Republican in both the House and Senate stated that while killing off their families in cold blood might not be entirely proper, it was certainly not an impeachable offense, no matter how the media tried to spin it. “Now, this is not an action I would have taken myself. I personally would not have wrapped my hands around my 5-year-old son’s neck and crushed his windpipe. But if Donald Trump’s approach to governing is sometimes a bit outside the ordinary, that’s because Donald Trump is no ordinary president. And maybe that’s not such a bad thing.” Later, with his beloved sister’s face turning purple as the commander-in-chief asphyxiated her with a length of barbed wire, Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) appeared on several television news networks and said impeaching the president for her imminent death would be “insane.”
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 22:00:03 CEST The Onion
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Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback https://local.theonion.com/man-starting-to-think-he-didn-t-win-1995-kellogg-s-fros-1838884711 #vol55issue41 #news
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  Man Starting To Think He Didn’t Win 1995 Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes Sweepstakes For Free Trip To Australian Outback
  
  from Local
  
  PROVIDENCE, RI—Vowing to never give up hope, local man Mark Prasad admitted Tuesday that he’s starting to think he didn’t win the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes 1995 sweepstakes for a free trip to the Australian Outback. “Every day, I check the mail in hopes of finding a flashy envelope from Kellogg’s telling me to pack my bags because I’ve been randomly selected to spend four days and five nights camping in the Outback, and every day I’m bitterly disappointed,” said Prasad, 42, who began to suspect something was wrong back in 2004 when he emailed the Kellogg’s public feedback account to enquire whether they had announced a winner and failed to receive a response. “The 24 years between when I mailed in the raffle entry card from the back of the Frosted Flakes box and now has tested my resolve, but I’m trying to stay positive. I’ve done a ton of research on Australia, and I know exactly what I need to pack to make sure I have a memorable vacation. The fine print says the winner gets to take a guest. I used to think I’d bring my best friend Lucas, but now I guess I’ll have to invite my wife.” When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Kellogg’s confirmed that a winner for the 1995 sweepstakes would be announced later this month.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 19:15:06 CEST The Onion
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Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’ https://www.theonion.com/terrorist-who-put-a-lot-of-work-into-explosive-device-o-1838878632 #vol55issue41 #terrorism #violence #news
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  Terrorist Who Put A Lot Of Work Into Explosive Device Offended By Intelligence Agencies Labeling It As ‘Improvised’
  
  from The Onion
  
  GALGALA MOUNTAINS, SOMALIA—Deeply hurt by the way in which counterterrorism operatives repeatedly discounted the craftsmanship and ingenuity of his anti-personnel bombs, terrorist Ahmad Musa stated Tuesday he resented Western intelligence agencies referring to his explosive devices as “improvised.” “I refined the design and construction of this car bomb over a period of weeks, filling two graph paper tablets with notes and staying up all night reading physics textbooks, yet they treat my work like I just threw a bunch of roofing nails in a pressure cooker and called it a day,” Musa said of the explosive, which involved extensive work with fertilizer chemistry, careful deciphering and adapting wiring diagrams, and even countless practice sessions with soldering irons. “Devising the right detonator rig was a huge undertaking—did you know flame travels at different speeds through different densities of diesel-fuel vapors? It totally does. Plus, I had to be sure the shrapnel was the right shape to disperse correctly. Yet everyone from the CIA to Interpol continues to use the cute little dismissive acronym ‘IED.’ Insulting. Everyone knows improvisation is amateurish, and no one in their right mind respects anything improvised. My device killed 67 people—does that sound improvised to you?” Musa promised that his magnificent suicide bombing next month would force authorities to report his demise as “death by elegantly devised explosive device.”
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Tuesday, 08-Oct-2019 14:45:03 CEST The Onion
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Man Who Constantly Brags About How Great He Is At Oral Tragically Good At It https://local.theonion.com/man-who-constantly-brags-about-how-great-he-is-at-oral-1838862835 #vol55issue41 #news
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  Man Who Constantly Brags About How Great He Is At Oral Tragically Good At It
  
  from Local
  
  All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 07-Oct-2019 21:45:03 CEST The Onion
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Report: New Suit, Sir? https://local.theonion.com/report-new-suit-sir-1838853897 #vol55issue41 #workplace #fashion #news
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  Report: New Suit, Sir?
  
  from Local
  
  SPARKS, MD—In a report suggesting that the boss had come in this morning with an even sharper-than-usual appearance, sources confirmed Monday that must be a new suit, sir, and it sure looks great. “Not everyone could pull off an outfit like that, but the boss does it with ease,” said eagerly grinning sources, noting that the head honcho had completed his impressive look with a stylish new haircut and that it appears he’s lost weight, though sources added they didn’t know how he found the time due to always burning the midnight oil at the office. “It’s safe to say that the missus bought that gorgeous silk tie that goes so perfectly with the jacket, which serves as another indicator that the boss sure knows how to pick ’em.” The report concluded by acknowledging that it was the honor of a lifetime to get to work for such a finely tailored man.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 07-Oct-2019 21:15:03 CEST The Onion
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FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers https://www.theonion.com/fda-moves-to-ban-all-flavored-jolly-ranchers-1838853035 #vol55issue11 #government #food #news #fda
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  FDA Moves To Ban All Flavored Jolly Ranchers
  
  from The Onion
  
  WASHINGTON—Amid a recent spike in mysterious confection-related deaths, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday its plan to ban all flavored Jolly Ranchers, allowing only the original flavorless variety to remain on shelves across the nation. “These hard candies are only suitable for consumption by adults, but with flavors like blue raspberry, cherry, watermelon, grape, and green apple, the manufacturer is clearly attempting to target children,” said FDA spokesperson Monica Peters, who added that by removing all sweet and sour variations, including chewable Jolly Rancher gummies and jelly beans, the agency hopes to significantly reduce the number of Americans who go on to develop a lifelong candy habit. “Studies have shown the majority of people who eat Jolly Ranchers are under 18, meaning the parts of their brains that handle higher-level decision-making functions are not yet fully developed. The last thing anyone needs at this age is to be bombarded by so many delicious flavors. We still don’t know exactly how Jolly Ranchers affect long-term cognitive development, but we do know they can lead to dependence on even harder candies, such as jawbreakers or Atomic Fireballs.” Peters went on to note that the Drug Enforcement Administration continues to classify the hot “cinnamon fire” flavor of Jolly Ranchers as a Schedule 1 controlled substance, possession of which constitutes a felony in all 50 states.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Monday, 07-Oct-2019 20:30:13 CEST The Onion
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Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver https://politics.theonion.com/trump-cabinet-officials-resentful-of-increasing-power-w-1838851537 #vol55issue41 #donaldtrump #news
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  Trump Cabinet Officials Resentful Of Increasing Power Wielded By Live-In Caregiver
  
  from Politics
  
  WASHINGTON—Increasingly concerned about the sway the woman exerted over the commander in chief, Trump cabinet officials have reportedly grown resentful of the power wielded by live-in caregiver Isabella Velazquez, 45, White House sources confirmed Monday. “Don’t get me wrong, it was great when she was just around to help feed the president or wipe his face clean before press scrums, but there’s something wrong about Isabella insisting she always be there to hand-deliver his intelligence reports or listen in on calls with foreign dignitaries,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt, expressing his deep frustration with a recent incident in which the middle-aged nurse abruptly cut off a joint chiefs of staff meeting in order to wheel Trump into the Lincoln Bedroom for his daily nap. “She’s constantly by his side. And with things like this Syria troop withdrawal, she snaps at anyone who questions whether this policy is coming from her or the president. At this point, if an official even asks about the president’s pill regimen, they’re out. Christ, why do you think Bolton’s gone?” Several White House officials went on to cast doubt about whether Trump had truly given Velazquez the Presidential Medal of Honor or if she simply found it while tidying up the Oval Office.

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