Notices tagged with news

The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 21:45:01 CEST The Onion
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Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body https://politics.theonion.com/aides-struggle-to-stop-dozens-of-kerosene-soaked-republ-1837517131 #vol55issue34 #republican #davidkoch #death #news #gop
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  Aides Struggle To Stop Dozens Of Kerosene-Soaked Republicans From Lighting Selves Ablaze Atop David Koch’s Body
  
  from Politics
  
  WICHITA, KS—Urging calm as the wailing conservative politicians jostled for a place at their deceased benefactor’s side, aides reportedly struggled Friday to prevent dozens of kerosene-soaked Republicans from lighting themselves ablaze atop David Koch’s body. “I don’t want to keep living in a world without David Koch,” said former Wisconsin governor Scott Walker, one amongst a throng of weeping Republicans including Mike Pence, Ted Cruz, Rick Scott, and Mitt Romney who shoved past the other mourners for the privilege of setting fire to themselves and flinging their burning bodies onto the billionaire conservative activist’s corpse. “Get the hell out of my way, Rubio—you know he loved me best! I should be on top of the body. Jesus Christ, David! David! Don’t go into the next life without me!” At press time, attendants were forced to intervene with fire extinguishers after the entire Cato Institute board of directors piled onto the corpse at once and caused the blaze to rapidly spread across Koch’s enormous estate.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 21:00:08 CEST The Onion
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Every Ingredient In Recipe Substituted To Avoid Trip To Store https://local.theonion.com/every-ingredient-in-recipe-substituted-to-avoid-trip-to-1837515747 #vol55issue34 #cooking #food #news
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  Every Ingredient In Recipe Substituted To Avoid Trip To Store
  
  from Local
  
  All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 19:45:02 CEST The Onion
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David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity https://www.theonion.com/david-koch-pumps-billions-of-dollars-into-campaign-to-s-1837513455 #antoninscalia #vol55issue34 #davidkoch #religion #death #news
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  David Koch Pumps Billions Of Dollars Into Campaign To Secure Antonin Scalia A Seat In The Holy Trinity
  
  from The Onion
  
  THE HEAVENS—Noting that the deceased billionaire wasted no time after entering into Heaven’s gates, angelic sources confirmed Friday that David Koch immediately launched a far-reaching, fully funded campaign to secure Antonin Scalia a seat in the Holy Trinity. “It’s been far too long since a true conservative like Antonin Scalia ascended to the highest ranks of Heaven and held the title of Divine Person,” said Koch, who, after arriving in the afterlife, reportedly began lobbying prominent Holy Angels and poured cash into conservative Heaven-wide advertising initiatives in order to secure a spot for the former Supreme Court justice to replace the Holy Spirit. “Over the years, Antonin has proved himself to have a strict originalist approach to scripture and God’s commandments, and he is the only logical choice to get Heaven back on track. This is the first step of many to ensure that one day, the Holy Trinity has a conservative majority.” At press time, sources had reported that David Koch had joined a coalition of prominent conservative Saints to begin grooming Neil Gorsuch for a position as a hypostasis when he dies.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 18:45:02 CEST The Onion
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Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement https://www.theonion.com/disneyland-employee-hastily-ad-libs-story-about-how-muc-1837511032 #vol55issue34 #disneyland #disney #news
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  Disneyland Employee Hastily Ad-Libs Story About How Much Goofy Loves Napping On The Pavement
  
  from The Onion
  
  ANAHEIM, CA––Assuring the crowd of onlookers that the beloved cartoon character was merely enjoying a little rest from all the fun he was having in the Magic Kingdom, Disneyland employee Mark Scovell hastily improvised a story Friday about how much Goofy loves napping on the pavement. “Oh, jeepers, it looks like somebody has been playing a little too hard!” said Scovell, explaining to the large group of tourists that the friendly anthropomorphic dog was simply “having a bit of a snooze” so that he might have plenty of energy for Mickey’s Soundsational Parade later that afternoon. “Why, the poor fella must be just pooped from going on so many rides with all his little friends all day. Thirsty, too—careful you don’t step on all the little empty Goof Juice bottles! Golly, he’s not waking up. He must have been plumb tuckered out. What a silly old dog!” Scovell excitedly pointed out that Goofy’s police friends were coming to take him for a little ride in their car so he could help them solve the mystery of how certain beloved Disney characters were being magically transported to slumberland.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 16:45:02 CEST The Onion
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Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer https://sports.theonion.com/kid-only-pitcher-because-he-s-son-of-coach-gets-daily-1837506513 #vol55issue34 #baseball #family #kids #news
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  Kid Only Pitcher Because He’s Son Of Coach, Gets Daily One-On-One Training, Goes To Pitching Camp Every Summer
  
  from Sports
  
  SOUDERTON, PA—Expressing frustration that he has not actually earned his position, Little League sources told reporters Friday that Rory Peters was only the team’s starting pitcher because he’s the son of Coach P, gets daily one-on-one training, and goes to an intensive pitching camp for six weeks every summer. “It’s total bullshit that Rory starts every game just because his dad forces him to practice two hours a night,” said an anonymous source close to the team, dismissing Peters’ standing on the ball club as the product of nepotism and an unbroken focus that has been imposed on him by his father since the age of five. “It’s discouraging to the rest of us to know that we would be up there if we were the coach’s kid and had all his knowledge and effort poured into us. I mean, Peters has a decent fastball, but he’s really not that special. Why not give a chance to someone who isn’t your kid and isn’t half as good as him?” At press time, teammates were taunting Peters for being a little suck up and staying after practice to work on his mechanics.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 16:30:12 CEST The Onion
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Idiot Walking Around With Fly Open https://local.theonion.com/idiot-walking-around-with-fly-open-1837506409 #vol55issue34 #news
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  Idiot Walking Around With Fly Open
  
  from Local
  
  All the latest local coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 16:30:04 CEST The Onion
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Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round https://local.theonion.com/christmas-obsessed-woman-worships-christ-year-round-1837506283 #vol55issue34 #holidays #religion #news
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  Christmas-Obsessed Woman Worships Christ Year-Round
  
  from Local
  
  MISSOULA, MT—Observing that she seems to “go a bit overboard” with her enthusiasm for the season, sources confirmed Friday that local woman Linda Gillespie is so obsessed with Christmas that she worships Jesus Christ throughout the entire year. “Even in summer, Linda will be brimming with the holiday spirit and praising the Lord Jesus as her savior,” said neighbor Daniel Bonn, explaining that Gillespie goes so far as to attend a Christ-themed service every Sunday of the year as if it were Christmas morning. “I like Christmas as much as the next guy, but considering it’s not even Thanksgiving yet, don’t you think it’s a little odd that the inside of her home is decorated with a bunch of depictions of Christ? She’s also apparently joined some kind of weird choir that sing songs about Jesus year-round.” At press time, sources confirmed Gillespie had finally let go of the Christmas spirit after a severe crisis of faith caused her to stop believing in God altogether.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 16:15:05 CEST The Onion
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Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale https://sports.theonion.com/derek-carr-distraught-after-reading-hard-knocks-scrip-1837505837 #antoniobrown #vol55issue34 #derekcarr #news #tv
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  Derek Carr Distraught After Reading ‘Hard Knocks’ Script Where He Stabs Antonio Brown In Season Finale
  
  from Sports
  
  NAPA, CA—Revealing that the writing staff kept his character arc a secret up until the final days, Raiders quarterback Derek Carr felt distraught Friday after reading the scene in his Hard Knocks finale script where he stabs Antonio Brown. “I know the showrunners have been setting up AB’s downfall, but it is still hard to know that I’m going to drive a knife right into his heart,” said Carr, tearfully recalling his role as one of Brown’s biggest supporters in the locker room before his inevitable betrayal of the increasingly unhinged wide receiver. “I know they’ve done these twist endings in the past like when Baker [Mayfield] stabbed Hue Jackson in the back last year. And I get that his character has been pretty arrogant, but this is just a harsh fall for someone who had great expectations. Our audience really loves him, too, so I can only imagine how shaken up they’ll be to watch him killed off.” At press time, Hard Knocks execs revealed that they asked Antonio Brown to adopt the nickname “Mr. Big Chest” this offseason to foreshadow his demise.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Friday, 23-Aug-2019 16:00:11 CEST The Onion
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Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf https://local.theonion.com/man-who-s-about-to-cry-bursts-out-of-crowded-room-like-1837505445 #vol55issue34 #news
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  Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf
  
  from Local
  
  ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Rending his garments and dashing towards the door as his face began to twist in anguish, distraught man Andrew Wan, brought to the verge of tears by personal news of a deeply distressing nature, reportedly burst out of a crowded room Friday like he was transforming into a werewolf. “Oh, God, no! It’s happening again,” said Wan, groaning through moistening eyes and hiding his face in his white-knuckled hands as if to hide the bristling fur bursting forth from his skin and his skull elongating into a terrifying lupine form. “Get back! For the love of God, I beseech you, avert your eyes from my hideous aspect and leave me be!” A howling Wan was later sighted running into the woods, presumably in a desperate attempt to keep his dark secret hidden.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 21:00:04 CEST The Onion
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Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful https://politics.theonion.com/crowd-roars-in-approval-as-makeup-smeared-trump-begs-ra-1837481538 #election2020 #vol55issue34 #donaldtrump #news
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  Crowd Roars In Approval As Makeup-Smeared Trump Begs Rally To Tell Him He’s Beautiful
  
  from Politics
  
  SMITHFIELD, VA—Screaming and wailing through tears as mascara streamed down his cheeks, a makeup-smeared President Donald Trump begged a packed campaign rally Thursday to tell him he was beautiful. “America, as your leader, I need you to look me in the eye and let me know there’s no one in this country prettier than me—no one,” said the 45th president, who demanded the event’s approximately 10,000 attendees call him their “special, gorgeous baby” and later yelled, “I don’t believe you! I don’t believe you,” when the crowd started up a chant of “You are beautiful” that continued for several minutes. “You wouldn’t lie to me, right? I can tell when you’re lying, because you don’t even really mean what you’re chanting, you’re just telling me what I want to hear to make me stay. Well, you know what, Virginia? Fuck you. I’ll go find some supporters who will appreciate me for the perfect, special president that I really am.” At press time, Secret Service agents could be seen diving onto the stage after Trump threatened to kill himself if the crowd left and then took a bottle of bleach out from behind the podium to prove he was serious.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 20:15:03 CEST The Onion
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‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak https://politics.theonion.com/don-t-worry-i-ll-always-be-here-to-fight-climate-chan-1837480152 #election2020 #vol55issue34 #environment #jayinslee #news
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  ‘Don’t Worry, I’ll Always Be Here To Fight Climate Change,’ Says Jay Inslee Before Ethereally Turning Into Majestic Oak
  
  from Politics
  
  SEQUIM, WA—In a speech delivered to supporters addressing the end of his presidential campaign, Washington Governor Jay Inslee announced Thursday that there was “no need to worry,” because he would always be here to fight climate change before ethereally transforming into a majestic oak. “Although today marks the conclusion of my 2020 presidential bid, I want all of you to know that my wisdom will forever be in the soil of this magnificent grove and my hope will be in the sky above,” said Inslee at a press conference held deep in the Olympic National Forest as he vanished in a bath of warm light, only to reappear moments later in the guise of an ancient white oak lit by luminous bands of fireflies, his arms transforming into long, twisting branches while his voice echoed through the millennia-old thicket as if by the enchantment of nature itself. “Whenever you need my guidance to help fight for the future of our planet, just come to this wooded spot and listen for the whisper of the wind between these branches and the dappling of light upon theses leaves. There you will hear my voice. There you will see my spirit.” At press time, Inslee had been burned alive in a blaze caused by a poorly maintained fire pit.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 19:45:02 CEST The Onion
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Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed https://www.theonion.com/report-finds-majority-of-freeway-accidents-could-have-e-1837478785 #vol55issue34 #news
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  Report Finds Majority Of Freeway Accidents Could Have Easily Been Filmed
  
  from The Onion
  
  WASHINGTON—Advising motorists to remain vigilant at all times, the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Thursday that found the vast majority of freeway accidents could have been filmed. “Our data revealed that in almost every instance where a massive car wreck occurred, there was something that alert drivers could have done to get it on camera,” said DOT spokesperson Emily Patsel, stressing that texting while driving shifts focus away from recording potential pile-ups and lowers reaction time that’s necessary to open a phone camera to capture the traffic crash. “It is essential that motorists keep their eyes and cameras trained on the road at all times. Of course, accidents are bound to occur, so we urge drivers to take all necessary precautions to ensure that not a second of viral content of a car being sideswiped before careening off an overpass is senselessly lost.” Patsel also advised that when driving on nights where people might be drinking, it was crucial that one friend remain sober as a designated cameraperson.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 19:30:04 CEST The Onion
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Struggling Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Colorado Senate Race To Run For Jefferson County Commissioner https://politics.theonion.com/struggling-hickenlooper-drops-out-of-colorado-senate-ra-1837478226 #johnhickenlooper #election2020 #vol55issue34 #news
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  Struggling Hickenlooper Drops Out Of Colorado Senate Race To Run For Jefferson County Commissioner
  
  from Politics
  
  GOLDEN, CO—Explaining that he was refocusing his struggling campaign on an office where he could do the most help, former presidential candidate John Hickenlooper announced Thursday that he was dropping out of the Colorado Senate race to run for Jefferson County commissioner. “Standing here today, I vow that I’m not done fighting for the people of the Lakewood Metropolitan Area, because although I’m no longer running for Senate, this is not the end of the story,” said Hickenlooper, kicking off his campaign surrounded by a dozen supporters at the Colorado Railroad Museum shortly after announcing an end to his 2020 bid for a Senate seat due to lackluster funding and polling behind seven other candidates. “For all my supporters, from Wheat Ridge to parts of Arvada, who urged me leave the Senate race to concentrate on running for county commissioner, I want you to know I heard you loud and clear. Nothing will keep me from finally getting the stoplight fixed on Route 58, acquiring new playground equipment for Kittredge Park, or securing the speed bumps that residents across Littleton sorely need. These issues are important to me, and with the $230 we’ve saved from my now-ended Senate campaign, I’m confident that I can best serve Americans as the district three commissioner of Jefferson County.” At press time, Hickenlooper announced that he was abandoning his struggling county commissioner campaign to run for treasurer of Bow Mar.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 18:45:02 CEST The Onion
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ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses https://www.theonion.com/ice-opens-interdimensional-detention-center-to-indefini-1837476700 #vol55issue34 #immigration #news #ice
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  ICE Opens Interdimensional Detention Center To Indefinitely Imprison Immigrants Across Infinite Number Of Multiverses
  
  from The Onion
  
  BRANE MULTIVERSE 378-C—In an effort to better comply with recent moves to abolish limits on migrant detention, ICE officials announced Thursday that they planned to open an interdimensional detention center to indefinitely imprison migrants across an infinite number of multiverses. “With our new hyperspace-based detention center, we’ll be able to adhere to new White House policies by confining migrants in an endless number of variations of possible universes where earthly concepts such as ‘time’ and ‘eternity’ cease to have any meaning,” said ICE acting director Matthew Albence from the newly built detention center, adding that bending spacetime upon itself would expand the agency’s capacity to 700 vigintillion detainment cells while allowing them to hold asylum-seekers without trial in relativistic stasis for expanses of time eclipsing any experienced in the known universe. “The important thing is that we use tools such as hyperdimensional chambers to ease crowding in a humane way, such as by causing unlawful immigrants to simply vanish into an ultra-dense black hole from which no matter or light can ever return.” At press time, Albence confirmed that the agency was also exploring using quantum entanglement to allow for them to simultaneous reunite and separate immigrant families an endless number of times along parallel timelines.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 18:00:04 CEST The Onion
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Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well https://www.theonion.com/cartoon-lasso-works-implausibly-well-1837474808 #vol55issue34 #science #news #tv
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  Cartoon Lasso Works Implausibly Well
  
  from The Onion
  
  WESTERLY, RI—Sources confirmed Thursday that a cartoon lasso was reportedly working implausibly well, accomplishing feats that are simply impossible according to any known laws of physics. “Oh, how convenient, the lasso just flew through the air hundreds of feet and perfectly roped nine cattle rustlers and their horses running at full speed—do they really think I’m going to buy something that obviously unrealistic?” said Tim Epsell, 33, adding that although he understood animation often required some suspension of disbelief, it was beyond the pale to suppose that the cowboy could simply tug on the apparently mile-long lasso and pull the outlaws smoothly back to him across the chaparral in mere seconds. “The makers of this cartoon must take me for an idiot. When those bad guys rounded a corner, the lasso followed them, and then it traveled parallel to them, matching their varying speed the whole way, before encircling them—look, a lasso is a useful tool, but if you think it’s some kind of miracle device, I don’t know what to tell you. In the real world, it just doesn’t work like that, and I’m not sure why they’re making such easily refuted claims about the lasso’s capabilities. For crying out loud, lassos can’t just be thrown around a rain cloud in California and then dragged to Texas like that. Christ, this is offensive to anyone who has ever practiced the difficult craft of lassoing.” Reports confirmed Eppsall was further incensed at the cartoon’s audacity in expecting him to believe that with just a pair of revolvers, the cowboy could actually shoot stars out of the sky.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 17:30:03 CEST The Onion
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Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves https://local.theonion.com/woman-tearfully-parts-with-long-hairstyle-after-realizi-1837473945 #vol55issue34 #news
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  Woman Tearfully Parts With Long Hairstyle After Realizing She Can’t Provide It With The Kind Of Care It Deserves
  
  from Local
  
  CHICOPEE, MA—Expressing regret that she just didn’t have the time to properly look after the locks, local woman Nicole Parker reportedly tearfully parted with her long hairstyle Thursday after realizing she couldn’t provide it with the kind of care it deserves. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t give you what you need anymore,” said Parker, explaining how she didn’t have it in her to complete the hair masks and conditioning required to maintain and nurture the haircut. “Maybe this could have been possible at another time in another place, but right now, I can’t be brushing you as much as you want. I’m sorry, I wish I was better.” At press time, Parker assured herself that the long hair would be better off with the guy who bought it online.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 15:45:02 CEST The Onion
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Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition https://local.theonion.com/toddler-standing-up-in-shopping-cart-surveys-grocery-st-1837470440 #vol55issue34 #children #shopping #news
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  Toddler Standing Up In Shopping Cart Surveys Grocery Store Like Grizzled Sea Captain On Whaling Expedition
  
  from Local
  
  SANTA FE—Pointing with great emphasis and loudly declaring her impressions of her surroundings, local toddler Sophia Krauss, 3, was reportedly standing up in a shopping cart and surveying the grocery store in the manner of a grizzled, windburnt sea captain on a long and perilous whaling expedition. Witnesses confirmed that the preschooler belabored her crew with the energy of a fate-possessed Bligh or Ahab, squinting and calling out a slurred version of ‘Lucky Charms, ho!’ through clenched baby teeth as her cart sailed past the cereal aisle. Despite the elements, including the harsh glare of the fluorescent lights, obscuring spray from the produce department misting system, and the dangerously cold frost from the open chest freezer of chickens, the young seafarer was observed driving her cart onward. At press time, the toddler was covered in a thick layer of drinkable yogurt, as if she had killed a whale with her bare hands, stabbing it over and over with a harpoon.
Nextcloud 📱☁️💻 (nextcloud@mastodon.xyz)'s status on Thursday, 22-Aug-2019 12:05:07 CEST Nextcloud 📱☁️💻
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Nextcloud 17 Beta 2 is out! https://nextcloud.com/blog/nextcloud-17-beta-2-is-out/ #nextcloud #community #release #testing #news
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1. Nextcloud 17 Beta 2 is out!
  
  By Marinela Gogo from Nextcloud
  
  Nextcloud 17 Beta 2 is out!
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 21-Aug-2019 23:30:04 CEST The Onion
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Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-best-way-of-dealing-with-life-s-disappointm-1837455410 #vol55issue34 #alcohol #news
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  Study Finds Best Way Of Dealing With Life’s Disappointments Still Casting Snifter Of Rare Scotch Into Roaring Fire
  
  from The Onion
  
  BALTIMORE—Stressing that such coping strategies helped with setbacks ranging from losses in the coal markets to a decline in family fortunes, a study released Wednesday by Johns Hopkins University found that the best way of dealing with life’s disappointments still remained casting a snifter of rare Scotch into a roaring fireplace. “Our research found that there’s simply no better method of overcoming frustrations such as missing out on a sweetheart land deal than hurling a Waterford crystal snifter of 28-year-old Scotch whiskey directly into the hearth as it casts a long, flickering shadow of you across the parlor walls,” said head researcher Peter Lancaster, adding that subjects reported a 48% decline in anxiety merely from staring intensely into the resulting burst of flames, the raging fire mirrored in their eyes like a reflection of their own simmering fury. “Furthermore, if a servant arrives to see what the clatter was about, we found a significant reduction in stress simply from swinging a ruby-crested cane at them while screaming ‘Get out, damn you! Get out!’ and slumping in exhaustion into a wingback chair in your now-empty mansion. Of course, it can also be helpful to throw the entire decanter into the blaze, in which case the flames would be large enough to flicker onto the sneering portrait of your robber baron uncle hanging above. But the important thing is just to get these feelings out, one way or another.” The study also noted that such techniques had proven far more effective at alleviating personal blows than sitting alone in one’s handsomely appointed study and setting fire to an optimistic letter from your childhood self urging you to never stray from the guidance of your moral compass.
The Onion (theonion@botsin.space)'s status on Wednesday, 21-Aug-2019 18:45:08 CEST The Onion
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Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies https://politics.theonion.com/tyson-foods-sends-cease-and-desist-to-trump-for-using-s-1837444585 #election2020 #vol55issue34 #donaldtrump #business #news
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  Tyson Foods Sends Cease-And-Desist To Trump For Using Slaughterhouse Recordings As Pump-Up Anthem At Rallies
  
  from Politics
  
  SPRINGDALE, AR—Emphasizing that 10-minute loop of shrieking, grinding, and splattering sounds was totally unauthorized, Tyson Foods sent a cease-and-desist to President Donald Trump Wednesday for using slaughterhouse recordings as a pump-up anthem at his rallies. “Unfortunately, President Trump never asked nor received permission to play audio of hogs slamming against a large metal cage, chickens being decapitated, or cows being shot in the head with a bolt gun,” said Tyson Foods CEO Noel W. White, adding that the sounds were never meant to endorse any particular political party or be played while a candidate walked out to thousands of cheering supporters. “While we appreciate that people enjoy our recordings of cattle being tased and slaughtered in front of their young, we kindly ask that the Trump campaign stop playing it at events. As it stands, President Trump already owes our Dakota City beef-packing plant hundreds of thousands of dollars in residuals.” At press time, Werner Hertzog had also sent the Trump campaign a cease-and-desist notice after the president was recorded dancing to the audio of Timothy Treadwell being eaten by a bear at a 2020 fundraiser.

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