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1. slebby possum (glitterwitch@todon.nl)'s status on Tuesday, 14-May-2019 16:37:57 CEST slebby possum

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   Here's the thing - in my experience there's a noticeable difference between people who have learned harmful coping mechanisms or bad relationship models, and people who are straight up narcissists, manipulators, or abusers.

   But the /fun part is that ppl in the first group often make perfect targets for people in the second group. Victims already have anxiety and a desire to please. Then! The abuser will convince the victim that they are actually the one being unreasonable and manipulative.
   The difference is that one person is trying their fucking best to not hurt anyone and they are being lied to and have poor resources, while the other is actively purposely manipulating them, and often does not regret this or find issue with it.

   I hope this makes sense it's very close to my own trauma so words my be awkward.
   If someone is telling you you're abusive, get outside help. It's almost impossible to remedy this kind of tangled mess w/o a counselor.

   • maloki 🍵 and Linuxtjej 🏳️‍🌈🇸🇪 repeated this.
   • slebby possum (glitterwitch@todon.nl)'s status on Tuesday, 14-May-2019 16:43:38 CEST slebby possum

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     in reply to

     Yes, I was loud and mean and emotional
     Yes, I lied to avoid arguments at times
     But mostly my crimes were being "too needy," or being rude in ways that were imperceptible to me at the time.
     If someone had set me down and said "when you do x it makes others uncomfy, but here is a better way to make that need known" I would have immediately changed that behavior. Instead my then partner gave me the silent treatment in between accusations of how awful I was. They had their own shit, but I was fucking trying and they were not.
     I have a long history of friendships ending in this same pattern it's exhausting. Thankfully i'm less angry and mean now, but that's only due to reading more books and :cannabis:

     maloki 🍵 and Linuxtjej 🏳️‍🌈🇸🇪 repeated this.