Here's the thing - in my experience there's a noticeable difference between people who have learned harmful coping mechanisms or bad relationship models, and people who are straight up narcissists, manipulators, or abusers.
But the /fun part is that ppl in the first group often make perfect targets for people in the second group. Victims already have anxiety and a desire to please. Then! The abuser will convince the victim that they are actually the one being unreasonable and manipulative.
The difference is that one person is trying their fucking best to not hurt anyone and they are being lied to and have poor resources, while the other is actively purposely manipulating them, and often does not regret this or find issue with it.
I hope this makes sense it's very close to my own trauma so words my be awkward.
If someone is telling you you're abusive, get outside help. It's almost impossible to remedy this kind of tangled mess w/o a counselor.